Satan’s Orange Cracker, the Cheez-It

Disclaimer: This article is satire and a reflection of the author(s) opinions.

Eli Baker

Cheez-It is a brand of cracker, with the classic variety being a small, orange square sold in bags or boxes. As a popular snack with all castes of American society, they can be found anywhere from the grocery store to our very own Terra Linda High School cafeteria. They are also one of the most unbearably disgusting snack foods in America. Now, this may be a controversial opinion however, I have certainly received a great number of shocked reactions upon relaying my opinion. 

My opinion is, in spite of this, objective.

First of all, the taste. When biting into a Cheez-It, you are met with an overpoweringly sour taste of synthetic cheese. This makes sense given the name, but too much cheese is simply unpleasant. Cheese is at its best when it complements other flavors. A perfect example of this is the classic American pizza. The cheese should ideally provide both structural integrity and a somewhat subtle note of sharpness to the overall package of the pizza. Cheez-Its, on the other hand, presents the consumer with the full force of its salty taste, which is far too much on its own.

Next, we have the texture. If one closely examines a Cheez-It, one can see the crystals of salt on its surface. This gives one a clue as to the horribly brittle and flakey feel of the snack itself. As one chews on the orange substance, the crystalline structure falls apart, releasing the aforementioned disgusting flavor as the shards of cracker dig into the roof of one’s mouth and in between one’s teeth, resulting in the most unpleasant experience.

Despite this, Satan’s cracker endures great popularity. At least, judging by the fact that nearly everyone I asked said they were great. Why? Well, obviously it is due to the fact that most people just have bad taste! I know better than everyone! Disagreement is impossible. Don’t bother trying.