Satire: How to pick up girls.

This is satire. The Voice completely disagrees with any opinions voiced in this piece.

What’s up, dudes? I know lots of you guys have trouble picking up girls here at TL, so I’m here to give you the best tips on how to exploit people for your own gain!

The first tried and true method of getting a girl is to be a “nice guy.” Don’t let the name fool you, though. You don’t actually need to be a respectful or courteous to use this method. It’s a little known fact that if you do ten polite things for a girl, they are legally obligated to have sex with you. Hold a door open a few times, say she looks “delightful” or something every so often, BOOM—you’ve made it, my man! A good way to keep track is to mark your superficially graceful, but maliciously motivated comments on a punch card like this:

Sadly, most of the time women will shirk their legal duties, so the “nice guy” isn’t a reliable method. But what women dig even more than a nice guy is a bad boy. With this approach, you can and should drop all pretense of being a civil person. In fact, women love it when you “neg”, or insult, them. Let’s say you’ve landed a dinner date with a girl. Sweet! Now, when you sit down at the table and she’s sitting there, don’t be a weakling and say something normal, like “Hi! How was your day?” That’s beta. You have to be an alpha male bad boy. Say something like, “Your body language is all wrong, it’s like a newborn baby from the discovery channel.” That’s alpha. She might say something in response like, “Ew, what does that even mean? I’m leaving,” but she’s lying—women love being called discovery channel babies.

The biggest way people get tripped up when trying to get a girl is what I call “getting off topic”. When you’re talking to a girl, sex is the only goal, so never do anything that doesn’t lead to that. Having conversations beyond small talk? Going on more than one date? Feeling anything that could be called love? That’s getting off topic, bro! The measure of a date’s success is how quickly you’re able to say “Hey baby, why don’t we get back to myyyyyy place?” Anything else is a distraction that will only hurt you in the end.

Once you perfect your sick game skills using my tips, some people might be jealous. They might say “Why are you so obsessed with sex? You’re turning into a sociopath in pursuit of something that doesn’t really matter all that much,” or “I’m really concerned about your behavior towards women. I’ve booked a meeting with a therapist for you.” Remember, they’re just envious of your alpha skills. With these tips and warnings, you’ll be ready to conquer the world with your violent misogyny. Happy hunting!