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The Government and Anemomenophobia

If you loved birds, you’d never want to walk under a windmill again.”

Don,you’re at it again.

We can at least feel safe calling you Don, now, as you rail against windmills, those whirling death dervishes, blowing destruction throughout the land. President Quixote of the United States of America isn’t engaging in a physical battle with these massive bird-maulers, but he sure wants them gone. Bird-killing, property value-decreasing terrors, menacing our society, but they are so cheap cheep!

Trump stated during a speech at the National Republican Congressional Committee Spring dinner, “If you have a windmill anywhere near your house, congratulations, your house just went down 75% in value. And they say the noise causes cancer, you tell me that one, OK?”

Holland must suck for real estate.

Don’t go to Holland, Trump! Save yourself from those giants! Never come to California! We have lots of terrible turbines, over 11,000 of them, according to the Center for Land Use Interpretation…

Denmark, Germany, Portugal, Spain, and Ireland all are markedly invested in wind power, along with Holland and Scotland. In December of 2018, Scotland produced over one hundred  percent of its monthly energy needs from wind power. For a man who loves real estate, you really have a knack for carving out plots of land to not buy. Anemomenophobia* is a b*tch, man. That is, the fear of wind turbines.

Scotland doesn’t seem to be so good for you either, having recently lost a legal battle with the Scottish government over a wind farm near his golf course. Are midair bankruptcy blades not supposed to save money over time? Sucks for you, Donny, having to pay both sides’ legal fees and your property decreased in value! Oh No! Such a loss for a man worth over 3 billion U.S. dollars.

Oh the noise…like Park Avenue? And really, these massive anti-pollution power machines are on farms. If you wanted to lease your land, the least you can do is understand the pros and cons of what you are about to do. The turbine won’t be within 300 meters of your house, and at that distance, it will produce only 3 decibels of sound more than your average refrigerator.

You should take a walk in nature, Don, not your golf courses. Those don’t count. Do you just not like the color green when it concerns anything but manicured grass with divots? We are trying to save the environment, not annihilate it.

“You look underneath some of those windmills, it’s like a killing field, the birds,” Donald says. Your kinship with birds probably comes from your friendship with Paul Manafort and George Papadopoulos, but they would be jailbirds, technically. Trump, more birds are killed by cats, between 1.4 billion and 3.7 billion in the continental U.S.A., according to a 2013 article from USA Today.

Your staff aren’t even trying to validate what you say anymore, it’s so outrageous. Australia already found that wind turbines don’t cause cancer, why are you insinuating that they do? Got of the horse, huh, Quixote? Your new steed is an elephant?

Attacking wind power won’t get you a nomination, Trump, you just have to want fossil fuels to destroy the environment.

Get ready to joust, Don, our turbines aren’t going anywhere.

 

*The fear of wind turbines

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Chase Olson is a freshman author for The Voice. Chase has played piano for seven years, and the organ for two. His favorite movie is Cafe Society, and his favorite TV show is M*A*S*H. Chase loves to read and listen to music. His favorite artists include Queen, Bruce Springsteen, and Fleetwood Mac. Chase hopes to become either a neurosurgeon or an ophthalmologist.