Chess, what a game, am I right? Eh? Chess made waves when it was released back in 1475. Centuries of fun were had by people all over the world, hundreds of fan-made variations were created and professional competitions arose. And now, after 548 years of waiting, Chess fans are rejoicing, celebrating in the streets, and running down bystanders in their cars, as we’re finally getting a sequel.

On April 20th, 2022, a leaked email from Garry Chess to one of his subordinates seemed to imply an announcement of Chess 2 in the near future. At the time, many people didn’t believe the leak, especially since the Checkers 4 leak went nowhere. That is, until exactly 6 days, 23 hours, and 59 minutes ago. At that exact moment, Chess Incorporated, a subsidiary of the Walt Disney Corporation (secretly run by CIA operatives) officially announced the upcoming release of Chess 2, coming sometime in 2024.

Aside from a rough release date, the announcement was accompanied with a number of new features, mechanics, and game modes. We’ve cut these down to those we believe will most affect both high-level and casual play. 

Firstly, a new mechanic regarding “forking.” For those unfamiliar, a fork occurs when multiple pieces are being threatened, but only one can be protected.

In Chess 2, there will be three levels of allowable responses when an opponent forks your pieces. If the fork only affects your bishops or knights, then it is allowable to pick your opponent’s piece and throw it directly at their face. If the fork forces a capture of your rook, then you can physically shove your opponent’s piece down their throat. If the fork forces a capture of your queen, then you may use your opponent’s piece to beat them to death (but ensure the piece is not too heavily damaged so that the game can continue). This will introduce an interesting element of risk vs. reward to this common maneuver. Is winning material worth dying for? I guess we’ll have to wait and see in the first tournaments using the new ruleset.

One new feature sure to excite the oft-neglected pawn fans is the addition of the “pawn structure.”

Now, when your opponent has captured at least 6 of your pawns, you can reform them into a powerful piece, taking up FOUR WHOLE SQUARES. This construct can be deployed at any position on the board, annihilating any pieces found beneath. Afterwards, the sideways pawns will emit a laser that damages any pieces that move through it. After moving through the laser, pieces will have their movement capability cut to half the amount of squares they have moved in total that game. But it cannot be less than 2 squares or more than 8, and they are unaffected if they have moved exactly 42 squares throughout the game. This intuitive new piece-combination will definitely appeal to certain sectors of the player base, though with this much attention being placed on the relatively small number of players who prefer pawns, some more traditionally prominent piece fandoms, such as queens and knights, may object.

Finally, let’s discuss the most interesting new game mode that’s going to be added. Labeled in the announcement as “???” The ruleset reads, “Just like…have fun and stuff”.

We speculate that this radical new approach to game design comes as a result of Garry Chess’s realization that the laws of physics constitute enough of a ruleset for the game, and that constraining human joy with reactionary constraints merely hinders the physiological notion of happiness. We are certain that this will make a big splash in the competitive scene.