It was announced recently that the president would strive to achieve a new landmark concept: to spend a record-breaking 100% of its budget on the military in 2018. Up from the previous 53.7% set in 2015, the new announcement would result in the deletion of programs such as abortion clinics, health care, veteran’s benefits, public transportation, science, education, and government.

“America is the police of the world”, a white house official released in statement explaining the major decision. “Irrelevant programs such as education and science have no place in today’s society. America is built on loyalty, patriotism, and nationalism; these ideals are what the military is built on, and we want to promote this on a national scale. We are already doing poorly with scientific research, and we are extremely behind on education; it is best to just let these programs go.”

“Individualism is what this country was built on.  If people need help, they will need to figure it out themselves. History has showed that the American people abuse government in order to elevate themselves through wasteful programs like social security and education. Health care is a waste of the government’s time; if people want to be healed, they have to make enough money to seek medical attention on their own. If an American cannot afford health care, they shouldn’t have been poor in the first place.”

“By spending all of the taxpayer’s money on the military, we will be able to get better at what we do best: using war to make our country more wealthy under the guise of protecting the nation’s security. We will invade area’s with the most oil, like Venezuela and Saudi Arabia. The latter country will be very easy to invade, since the more Islamic the country, the more [the American People] will use their internalized Islamophobia to believe that terrorists reside there. We can spit out [complete lies], and the American people will believe it.”

“Veterans deserve respect, so by putting more money into the military, their legacy will not go unheard. They may be committing suicide at alarming rates as a result of the public ignoring the complications of PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder), but we will ignore that crisis just as Reagan ignored the AIDS crisis in the 80’s. This country respects Veteran’s, but not their health; it’s best if we just cut this program in the interest of this country. ”

“America is going back to its roots by pursuing an isolationist policy. This way, jobs will stay in America and not be stolen overseas, which is why we will cut International Relations spending – we won’t need it”

“Although all obvious signs point to climate change as a real threat to our earth, we have chosen to ignore it so long, that continually supporting research that will make us look bad is something we plan on disallowing.”

“America first means nationalism first; so the taxpayers and citizens will get what they want: a military state – er – a democracy.”

– WASHINGTON D.C.