Your Monthly Horoscope
*none of these are real. This is just for fun
Nicole Service, a moon goddess, herself has been studying the stars for decades. From countless nights studying the stars she has predicted your horoscope for the month of April.
Aries (March 21-April 20)
Hey Aries, it’s your season. Since the new moon arrives on April 5 it’s basically your “new year.” It’s your time to shine. Make a new friend, but not the girl who sits three seats away from you in English. She’s bad news. Also on April 17 don’t wear orange because if you do Cthulhu will come from the seventh circle of Hell and destroy the Earth. We don’t want that happen, do we.
Taurus (April 21-May 21)
What’s going on Taurus?! Taurus season is right around the corner, which means good times are coming up. The stars say if you go to that party on Saturday, April 13 you’re bound to meet someone special at 8:53 pm. The stars also say he or she will be a brunette with blue eyes. Maybe a Scorpio or Libra. There is a warning however, this person may be the best person or the worst person you’ve ever met. They may steal your social security number. Or they may be the one who will accept you’re different than all the others.
Gemini (May 22- June 22)
The stars are saying something bad is bound to happen this month. They say that Sarah from math class is going to say “You’re outfit looked better yesterday,” the worst part is she means it. Then you significant other/crush is going to reject you through email sometime in the next week. The worst thing that will happen is that your power is going to go out for a very long period of time because too many birds sh*t on your satellite dish. Hopefully things will look up soon Gemini.
Cancer (June 23-July 23)
Along with Gemini, Aries season doesn’t look like a good time for you either. Sarah from Math class is going to accuse you of stealing the answers to the SATs even though you didn’t steal the answers. I guess no college for you. On April 7 at 9:16 pm, stay inside or else a giant mutated crab is going to escape from a nuclear plant and crush you. Be warned Cancer.
Leo (July 24-August 22)
Hey Leo. Aries season is looking good. The stars say you’re going to make plenty of money this month because your underground juul pod business is going to be booming . However, Jeremy from science is going to tell Mr. Celli about your underground business, but luckily that day you didn’t have any of your pods on you so you passed the bag search. Keep it up Leo, you sneaky little nicotine fiend.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Your love life doesn’t look too good this month, Virgo. You’re lover is bound to break up with on the last day of Aries season because “you wore ankle socks.” You don’t need them. You just need your massive brain. Since you stole the answers to the SATs and you didn’t get caught, Cancer did, you don’t have to pay your way into college. Instead, you cheated your way in. Keep it up Virgo.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Hey Libra. You’ll be thriving this month. Along with Leo, you’ll be making plenty of money this month because Sarah from math class is giving you a raise for doing her homework. On April 23 is a lucky day if you wear orange, red, or white denim jeans. Mr. Baker will give you a lolly pop sometime after spring break because he liked your purple shoes.
Scorpio (October 23-November 22)
Doesn’t look good this month. The stars predict every single one of you is going to tear your ACL. On April 29, under your pillow there will be a freshly dead lizard. How did it get there? I don’t know. How did it die? I don’t know. Your dad will find your juul, but luckily he will let it slide. On Fridays, avoid all elevators because the stars say they’re bound to get stuck due a Sagittarius cutting a wire. Maybe next month, Scorpio.
Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)
You deserve a good month. Last month wasn’t your month. However this month good things are bound to happen. While on a beach trip, looking around rocks you’re going to find Jack Sparrow’s hidden treasure. Hurry up before an Aries gets it. Love in the air too, you’re going to fall in love with the love of your life. Their name is Riccardo, they’re half horse half eagle. Body and head of a horse. Arms of an eagle.
Capricorn (December 22- January 19)
Hey Capricorn, how’s it going? Good? Well that’s gonna change. When the sun finally comes out, don’t go swimming in a lake because the stars say the Loch-Ness-Monster is going to eat you in a very brutal fashion. Also, Mr. Blake is going to take away your phone because it was disrupting his History lesson. Finally, you’re parents grounded you because you said pineapple pizza was unholy. Cheer up Capricorn, it’s just a bad month– not a bad life.
Aquarius (January 20- February 18)
The stars are telling me things this month are going to be amazing. While going on a night hike, you’re going to be followed by a squirrel. In an attempt to make a new squirrel friend, it bites you. So you have to go to the hospital to get a Rabies shot. While in the hospital a short girl with thick eyebrows, glasses, and dark hair greets you. That girl is your new best friend. While on a walk with your new best friend on the beach a couple days later, you meet a Mermaid named Catalina.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
This month is a so-so month. Sadly you got caught for Tax Fraud because Sarah from math class stole your identity. She built up a total of two million dollars of debt in your name. Luckily your rich dad paid off your debt. Also dad paid off officials at Yale so you can get in. The best thing to happen this month is that you’re going to lose your last baby tooth.