In this corner of the ring, we have Cupid, the cuddliest, sweetest, fuzziest snuggle bug around since your decomposing kindergarten Beanie Baby. On the opposing end, we have the sadist himself, on a break from the usual flames of hell. No, it’s not Logan Paul (stay tuned for his upcoming match against John Cena), it’s Satan! In response to this previous Valentine’s Day, these two will duke it out in a heated debate… Let’s get ready to rumble!

Cupid: Valentine’s day, the epitome of feverish love. How could anyone refuse boxes of chocolates, bouquets of roses, and blundering adolescents haphazardly professing their love on heart-shaped pieces of paper?

Satan: What you may call adorable, I call regurgitated deja vu. Every year, the flustered masses descend upon Walgreens, scavenging for an antiquated, materialistic notion of love like seagulls on discarded Doritos. We’re born alone and we die alone: no amount of chocolates, roses, or Hallmark pickup lines will change that. How about some respect, or at least something classy?

Cupid: Valentines aren’t supposed to be an in-depth declaration of love, just a little somethin-somethin to show someone your appreciation. Obviously, it’s not particularly meaningful, but nobody minds small treats, even a fleeting moment of heartmelt is better than a year spent in lonely sorrow, slowly disintegrating on your couch as you watch Kylie Jenner fulfill your dreams for you.

Satan:  I neither need nor want artificial knick-knacks. In fact, even the larger, more “substantial” presents are really just extravagant money drains hidden behind a fancy facade. Why would I want to wear spruced up, shiny rocks around my neck? I guess there’s no better way to show your love than supporting an industry with a history of brutal child labor. Which will last longer, passionate love affairs or the long-term degradation of the environment? Here’s a more realistic slogan: “Every Kiss Begins With – negligently extracting minerals and slowly destroying our one and only planet Earth – Kay ”

Cupid: Granted, the expected 4.7 billion dollars Americans spend on jewelry every Valentine’s Day seems excessive, however, this consumerism benefits the economy. How about we worry about being eco-friendly every other day of the year? I’m sure that, without any prompt or monetary incentive, companies will protect the environment, just out of the kindness of their warm hearts (sponsored by your local laissez-faire advocate). Besides, Jewelry Inc. isn’t the only beneficiary of this spending spree. All companies with successful advertising can make a profit.

Satan: Wow, that’s pretty naive, even for you, Cupid. Whatever happened to Love™? This sounds like another retail scheme to milk the cash cow known as ignorant Americans. Hell, the nearly 20 billion dollars Americans are expected to spend is twice the size of the GDP of Madagascar. I have an idea: instead of taxes that could drastically improve underfunded public schools (one of which is home to this publication), let’s “support the economy.” At least Black Friday owns up to the blatant overspending.

Cupid: Okay, Satan, I see your point regarding the socialism, but I’m still skeptical of your anti-love sentiments. Love isn’t trademarked, it’s expressed and shines in many different forms. Even if it’s via cheesy presents, there’s a huge spectrum of love expressed on Valentine’s Day. Couples, friends, and even families can participate.

Satan: Do you really think it promotes inclusivity? Single people are bombarded by a barrage of couples and couple-oriented activities. As if they don’t get enough sh•t every other day of the year. There shouldn’t be a holiday that makes people feel lousy about their relationship status.

Cupid: It’s about falling in love, not necessarily being in love! You don’t have to be in a relationship to celebrate, although Valentines dates (and even marriage proposals!) are pretty romantic.

Satan: Romantic? More like uninspired and panicked. Nothing says special and unique like tying the knot on the most cliché day of the year. Considering a google search of “Valentines proposal”  results in an overflow of men on their knees, while women feign surprise is exemplary of the tired societal stereotype of engagement. God forbid women take charge and give men jewelry. On the topic of antiquated tradition, don’t even dream of encountering LGBTQ+ couples in any mainstream Valentine’s day setting, let alone in an advertising campaign. Not in my Pure Christian HellHole!

Cupid: I agree that the LGBTQ+ community is underrepresented, especially on a day that promotes love. During Pride Day, every business frantically reaches for the nearest rainbow flag, but what happens to support and solidarity when it’s no longer profitable? The good intentions behind Valentine’s Day are still there, but somehow the sweetness has been muddled by decades of overcommercialization.

Satan: Like communism, Valentine’s day may be good in theory, but don’t let the hype overwhelm you. At the end of the day, Valentine’s day is just any other 24 hours, just a relative blip of the year. So don’t let the hype consume you, but there’s no harm in enjoying it. Happy (late) February 14th.

Hugs and Kisses, Satan and Cupid